Will I get hurt again?

If I dream will I once again fail

Gravity always seems to pull me down

At the moment I realize I can fly

And if I dare to take a chance

Will I find a wall without doors

Like so many times I tried to climb

But was forced to remain on my side

And if I let myself love you

will you break my heart too

Because they always have

So please just tell me...

Will I get hurt again?

If I decide to be myself

and take one more step

into the direction of my dreams

and one hesitant fall towards you.

because I am scared.

Written: October 27, 2005

I am still alive.

there are melodies playing in my head, songs that i haven't heard for years. they are sad sometimes and happy too, but mostly they are just memories. they take me back to all the times i laughed, cried and all the times i said goodbye. but that doesn't make life any easier, not like in the movies. the romantic world of searching for that thing, that dream doesn't always seem to be so realistic at all no matter how much optimism we put forth. and every spring the smell comes of beauty and peace but still there is war and pain and all those flowers die so soon. but we cannot cry because happiness is so perennial. it always comes back somehow.  but do we remember to say goodbye? we take it all for granted. why is it that it all gets taken away, why is pain the best lesson? it makes us harder, and closed. we begin to believe that pain is inevitable no matter what we choose to do. dreams are so easily ruined because we listen to the wrong words or believe in the wrong people. but this is all a lesson. i just don't see it sometimes. i can't find the sense in all that. life truly is what happens while we're busy making other plans. i have learned that in my life i don't listen as much as i should. instead i hold theories and beliefs based on fake information from some dumb founded agenda that i know nothing about. i assume that i have the answer when sometimes there has yet to even be a problem. time has passed and lives have been lived. great things have been done. history is a beautiful thing. we always learn that its definition is an avoidance of making the same mistakes. but why can't it be that history tells us what we can do. why? thats all i want to know. why do families split up and why do we fall out of love. why do we hurt each other? why do people even have to die? what are we proving here? why do we have to be scared?  the sun comes out every morning and if we just look up we should be so happy. that we, of all the people can do anything today. a sunrise is the beginning. today, we could meet anyone, fall in love, find the answers, find our own peace. look around. there are people everywhere and they all love someone. someone out there would be lost if they lost any of the people you see in a day. we get so lost in 9 to 5, whats for lunch, when will i pay the bills that we forget.  we forget about favorite colors or home runs. we forget about the eyes of the most beautiful souls. the touch of a certain persons skin. we get too focused on what we don't have. we get lost on the rules, the opinions. we are taught to be our own person. well, by being your own person you need to understand that you need people. you can not live your entire life loving an image in the mirror, you must open up and realize that the driving force of life is to be open. it will never make sense as to why people let us down, why they make the decisions they promise to never make and hurt us. nothing is for certain. that is why we must always love our children, they have nothing to fear. In my dreams heaven is a lot like childhood. a place where we never feel alone and when we hand someone our heart, they place it beside their own, so that it will never break unless theirs does too.

Be you.

In the attempt to figure out life I have learned the greatest lesson of all. Your destiny will not be revealed until you decide to be yourself and follow your heart.